


The Five Things Deadpool Can't Live Without

by CrimesOfADeadpool



Category: Deadpool (Comics), Deadpool - All Media Types, Marvel, Marvel (Comics), Marvel 616, Spiderman - Fandom
Genre: Bad Humor, Bad counting, Cute, Fluffy, Hearing Voices, M/M, Merc with a mouth, Multiple Personalities, Sweet, Voices in head, five things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-21
Updated: 2014-03-21
Packaged: 2018-01-16 08:35:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1338949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrimesOfADeadpool/pseuds/CrimesOfADeadpool
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Five Things Deadpool Can't Live Without. Including violence, porn, money and a certain superhero.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Five Things Deadpool Can't Live Without

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry that the first half of it's a bit fast-paced.  
> So, little note - things written in the [] brackets denote the calmer personality, the crazier one is in the triangular brackets (which it doesn't let me use here cos it reads it as html X( ). The main personality is in the // and interspersed with the rest of the story. Writing insane people is fun.

The first thing Deadpool couldn’t live without was his healing factor. There were a _lot_ of people who wanted him dead, and many would have succeeded if it weren’t for that handy little hat trick of not dying. Like now, for instance.   
[Shouldn’t we focus on the matter at hand?]  
<Hehe boom boom>  
[Would you focus?]  
Yeah, those explosions were a lot funnier when _he_ was the one setting them. Ow, arm, arm, where was his arm. Oh, there it was. Healing Factor Go.   
Deadpool snuck round a corner.   
“Spread out,” called the leader of the little gang that he was currently engaged in fighting. Of course, he hadn’t expected them to have grenades. Who carries grenades on the streets of New York? Okay, _he_ did, but he was a super-powered mercenary. These guys, they were small fries.   
And separated? Easy money.   
The second thing, Deadpool mused as he took out and _unalived_ the guy who had thrown the grenade that cost him his arm (for all of five minutes), was oxygen. A little cliché sure, he thought as he panted slightly. But come on, things were classic for a reason. As he continued this internal chat, he cut off the head of another henchman.   
//On that note, the third thing is food and water. //  
[Shouldn’t they be two separate items?]  
//No. Pretty sure they shouldn’t.//  
<Food and Water are two different things.>  
//Hey, this is my list. And the title is “Five things Deadpool Can’t Live Without.” _Five._ I can’t go wasting numbers on separating these things. //  
He paused and began counting his enemies. There were a lot of dead bodies. So what… three guys left? He…he hadn’t been paying attention.   
<Smooth move idiot>  
//Hey, I’m paying attention to this list. I’m not a multi-tasker//.  
[Five]  
//Huh?//  
[There are five left]  
//Ah. I knew I kept you around for a reason. //  
[We’re part of you]  
//Toe-may-toe, tom-ar-toe. Oh look, now we really are down to three.//  
He had slain two more of the henchmen. All he had to do now was track down those last three.   
//They’re not really a pretty bunch, are they? Is there a law that henchmen have to be ugly. Why can’t they be semi-naked hotties for once. Or completely naked hotties. I could go for that. //  
Deadpool looked around a corner. Oh, there they were. That wasn’t really that hard.   
Of course, best laid plans of mice and men and all that.   
Apparently they had miscounted.   
// Ten, fifteen, seventeen//  
[A lot]  
//Yeah. Good counting//  
[They must have called backup]  
//Thanks Einstein//  
<Boom?>  
//Yeah, boom//  
As he had mentioned earlier – they weren’t the only ones with grenades. He grinned under his masks.   
This was going to be fun.   
“Boom boom time,” he declared, jumping out from the shadows and throwing six of his explosives. He enjoyed the fearful looks in their eyes as they scattered. Even more so, the aftermath. No one survived.   
He grinned. Now it was time to get payed.   
Weapons. That was the fourth thing. Weapons and Money. Oh and Porn. And Violence. Sex. Food. Strip clubs.  
[Let me get this straight. Your first item is your healing factor]  
//Yes//  
[The second is Oxygen]  
//Mhmm//  
[The third is food and water, and the fourth item on your list of five is weapons, money, porn, violence, sex, food and strip clubs]  
//Sounds right to me//  
[We should really go back to school]  
//Blergh//  
<Hey, don’t we have somewhere we should be?>  
//Hmm. Oh yeah.//  
He triple checked everyone was dead before fleeing the scene. Someone else could do the cleanup. After a quick call to his employers to let them know the job was done, he disappeared.   
He ended up on top of a building, with a clear view of the house opposite. Deadpool dropped to his stomach, lying flat on the roof as he watched the occupants of this building. There was an old woman fussing over her nephew, straightening his clothes and the like while the man bore her fluttering with a smile. A few minutes later the man made his way upstairs and disappeared from sight.   
Deadpool waited for the man to reappear in the window, and watched with a smile as the man began stripping down. He was just getting to the good parts – left only in his pants, when the man seemed to suddenly have a thought, and closed the curtains. Deadpool looked down and sighed. It was enough to make a man wish for simpler days when men could spy on others without this whole ‘privacy’ thing.   
He stayed there, brooding.   
“Looking for something?” said a voice behind him.   
Deadpool jumped up to his feet and span around. “Spidey! How have you been?”  
Spiderman was standing there with folded arms. “You know stalking is illegal.”  
Deadpool scratched his head. “Is it? I don’t remember hearing about that in the latest edition of Playboy.”  
Spiderman gave him a look. Deadpool grinned and walked towards him, interlocking their arms. “So, what do you want to do today Spidey?”  
The fifth thing that Deadpool couldn’t live without was Spiderman.   
[Ah. Nice ending]  
//Yeah I thought so. At least it _was_ //   
[Oh. Right. Sorry]  
//Whatever//  



End file.
